As I’ve sat contemplating revealing my deepest darkest secrets to the world, I know that I’ve been on the fence about the whole situation. As I learn to be more transparent and unashamed there are still bits of my past lingering on to make a story out of nothing and trying to keep a hold of me. Parts of my past have made me feel unworthy to be loved but God keeps holding on to me. His still small voice encourages me to take a leap of faith and just go for it. You never know who else may have gone through it. So here goes.
There was once a little girl about eight or nine who had an amazing family. She didn’t know that while her mother worked the overnight shift that night after night her and her sister would only have each other to confide in as their cousin who choose one or the other to “play a game” with. They hid it from each other for a time because his instructions were to tell no one. So they didn’t and night after night, he said that everything would be okay. They didn’t know that this wasn’t what cousins did to each other.
It took her getting in high school to finally reveal the truth to her mother. Both her and sister had to get pap smears for the first time after going into the foster care system and the rest is history or so I’d like to think.
I never realized how much the past actions would have an effect on my future relationships with men. To remain silent and let them have their way with me. The childhood experience would not be the end of abuse, it would simply be the beginning. Sexual abuse came first and then physical abuse. As much as I’d like to break away from my past and in some ways I have but it is still a part of what has made me who I am today.
When I look back over my life, at times I have questioned my existence or if life would keep throwing me bad apples. Where some choose to take all the abuse and go into a dark place, I’ve chosen a new path so to speak. I want to let you know that if you’ve ever experienced sexual, emotional, verbal or physical abuse as I have that you aren’t alone. You are valued, you are loved and you can heal from the emotional wounds that those experiences may have had on you and be happy.
Why publish this now? Well it took me going to a marriage conference to realize that I hadn’t let go of the old wounds. I hadn’t truly let the old me die after getting baptized in 2013. Although God had spoke the words that I was fearfully and wonderfully made, I hadn’t quite accepted my worth in His eyes. There was quite a lot of emotional damage that had to be dealt with. I couldn’t be the wife I needed to be for my husband intimately because I hadn’t let go of the concept that sex was for a man’s pleasure and his alone since this was how it was introduced to me as a child being sexually abused by her cousin. Then by boyfriends physically and almost raped. Although my husband knew about my past, neither one of us realized that it was an issue for me not letting go so to speak and truly being one with him. Everyone heals at a different pace and just because a person has been abused doesn’t mean they don’t want a happy life, it just means they may have a harder time being vulnerable with someone. Some choose sex or alcohol or drugs as a gateway after abuse, some go into depression and some choose to live what appears to be a normal life as they battle their demons privately. I used alcohol as my way to deal with emotional issues from the time I was on my own until shortly after my sister’s death. The rest I dealt with in writing or dancing. It’s often hard to open up when you never know how you will be judged. My mom didn’t know because by the time she came home, we were usually getting ready for school and she trusted my cousin to watch us. She didn’t know that my boyfriend would be physically abusive and neither did I since we had such a strong bond in Christ together or so I thought but he had his own agenda since I chose to remain a virgin throughout high school. Who knows why things happen the way they do but know that God has a plan for your pain and sorrow. Never believe the negative things that the enemy wants you to believe about yourself, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made!”
Peace & Love