Hi everyone! Thanks for tuning in. This post is a bit long but it’s my take on “You Don’t Own Your Partner,” as I’ve been asked about this lately. I put it into my own words from my perspective and understanding. This is another interpersonal piece. As I’ve been on my healing journey, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never belonged to anyone and they never belonged to me. Yes, I know. We love telling our partners, “My heart belongs to you,” “I am all yours,” and that’s great for some. As for me, that’s not a lifestyle I would be comfortable in anymore. Here’s why.
Love is sacred. Two people may make an agreement between each other but the reality is, legal marriage isn’t needed for two people to be happy and in love with one another. Love is simply (my current version) me loving myself and sharing myself and that love with another person. They have no claim to me. I have no claim to them. Should we claim each other in the bedroom, that is different. I understand the desire to submit to being completely open during sexual engagement and the release and acceptance of sexual energy. This post isn’t about the exchange of sexual energy though.
We grow up thinking that we should submit so much of ourselves in relationships and marriages to our partners that we must compromise our desires for their desires. Over time this creates some subconscious belief that we don’t deserve to be happy or deserve the things that we desire. We teach our subconscious that it’s okay to give up our desires and don’t know how to break free of those beliefs after a relationship or marriage has ended. We often hear the phase about pouring from an empty cup, but few understand what it actually means. When we love ourselves unconditionally, our cup is never empty. We give in addition to. We receive in addition to. Constantly giving can be a draining experience between two partners. Our partners should give and receive in addition to. When it is equally reciprocated, we are not taking from each other in the sense of draining one another, but the circle continues and we meet each others needs. We allow ourselves to be completely free. In this sense if one partner outgrows the other, we know we can release them without any anger or bitterness. What they have done during the time of the relationship is grown. In my understanding unless we are growing together and sharing our experiences, things will get boring after awhile. So many people stay in relationships because they don’t want to let go and have this innate belief that their partner belongs to them or that they belong to their partner. This can be found at a deeper level in marriage where the thought is, “You are mine for eternity.” Do we really want someone to stay the same for the rest of our lives? To never evolve and grow? Yikes….
Self love is the greatest key that ever lived in my eyes. My self love allows me to be aware that people change over time. That if someone stays the same, they are not growing. People will say they want a partner they can grow with and not understand that sometimes in the growth, you are no longer the type of partner that your partner desires. We all grow. With our growth comes changes on physical, cellular and spiritual levels. Couples who understand this can grow together. Couples who don’t understand this may cheat on one another to get their desires met or they may divorce.
When children are involved couples tend to focus so much on the children that the children still grow up in a dysfunctional home because of the lack of love. In this instance, I would say that self love is doing what is best for you. It is not selfish. You won’t be a single parent just because things didn’t work out. There is still room for co-parenting and enjoying life as friends or associates. There’s so much beauty in life without thinking that we must own someone else.
When we are happy without ourselves, we are happy to let other people live. We want them to live their best lives. We can’t force this best life on them. We can’t force our principles on them. Even in marriage, two people are still two people. They both have their own desires and dreams. It’s great to share with each other.
During the course of my marriage, I had this desire for him to be my best friend. I wanted to tell him everything. I thought he belonged to me. I didn’t realized that I had attached myself so much that I was willing to shrink my desires, my goals and everything else just to be with him or any other partner I had before him. It wasn’t until we started going through the divorce process that we actually became friends and understood each other more. We accepted each other’s differences. He accepted my sexuality. Everything became a judgment free zone and our children were happier. They noticed our moods. His time was his and mine was mine.
During the marriage we got so caught up in not wanting to disappoint one another that we often gave up things that mattered to us because we were taught that to be with someone, you have to be willing to compromise. Compromise often leads to resentment. (my experience) If both parties are constantly giving up things because society says that you must, no one will be happy in the long run. It is not our responsibility to make our partners happy. It is their responsibility to choose this road to happiness. They must choose self care.
You don’t belong to your partner. You are not their property and they are not yours. Share your experiences together but know that you are two separate people. You can have everything that you want. I’m not telling you to leave your partner or any of that. I know what has worked for me and my girls father since I’ve begun my healing journey. We love each other but we don’t belong to one another. We are the best of friends with other friends and we know what we want in our future partners.
Partnerships, not ownership. No relationship should make you feel like you can’t be yourself. There are so many people in the world and our thoughts attract our partners and people in our lives. Why not attract the person you want to be with? If someone is interested in you but they are not who you want to be with, it’s okay to say no. You are worth everything that you desire and want in life. Know your worth and love yourself. Self love is a beautiful awakening experience. This is my continued journey. Thanks for sticking around and reading through to the end.
Peace & Love
Note that all of this is a self assessment and based on my experiences. Your experiences may be different and that’s okay. I can only speak about what I know of the topic. Feel free to leave your comments below, share and subscribe to my blog as the healing journey continues.