Hey everyone! Thanks for stopping by on this beautiful Saturday. Wherever you are in the world, you have the power to see this day as beautiful or make it great.
This week, it occurred to me that although I thought I shed a lot of old beliefs and habits, I found myself digging backwards. I found myself stuck between talking myself up and talking myself down. All inside my head of course, but we know that thoughts are powerful manifestations. I waited anxiously for my teacher to grade part four of my thesis submission which I am completing this weekend because the final submission is due on Sunday, roughly 30-40 pages. (You have permission to ask me if it’s complete if you see me on social media. Lol). The whole time, I kept thinking, this is my next to last submission. What if she doesn’t like it? What if she doesn’t think I have what it takes to be a professional writer? What if she rips it to shreds and tells me so many changes are needed? What if I don’t complete this novel?What if I never meet someone who accepts me for who I am? What if they turn their back on me?
So many what if questions. I had slipped back into my judgemental state of judging myself heavily this week. I allowed what others said to me to get inside of my psyche. It started with feeling down about family issues and some things that were said at work. So this week, I debated within about everything. Then it hit me. My mood was altered, I was annoyed. I was stuck and not because someone had put me there. I allowed myself to go there. I allowed self doubt and worry to show up. (The universe gave me all the signs to say, it had my back though. 111, 222, 444) I allowed myself to feel like the old me who cared about everyone’s opinions of what I SHOULD or SHOULDN’T be doing. I cared about what everyone else thought. The biggest question, (reoccurring at this point) was how do I tell my parents that I’m attracted to both sexes? I come from a very religious background. Sure, I have friends but not many I feel comfortable enough to talk to about this without thinking that they will be judging me the whole time.
For me, it goes deeper than just saying this. It’s remembering all of the judgement I’ve experienced in life. It’s remembering the hurtful words of confessing loosing my virginity before marriage. It’s the hurtful words of how I dressed. This week for me wasn’t just about self love, it was about healing those old wounds from childhood. It was questioning whether or not my parents or family would still accept me for who I am? It was will my best friend’s family accept me for who I am or will they judge me? I’ve judged myself so much this week because I feel like I’m carrying around this big secret. This secret of old feelings about childhood and sexuality. (It’s on the internet, so it’s not so secret. LOL) Still, in it I realized that my old beliefs from childhood were there. I’ve overcome many and I still am overcoming more. There are a few remaining from separating myself as someone who used to be a Christian and believed that everyone should live the bible. I had no right to judge other people. I forgive myself for it. I forgive myself for judging myself this week and anyone else I may have judged. I wanted to see through the eyes of love but it was an ongoing battle within this week.
I think we forget that every time we want to judge others, something within us needs to be checked. For me, it was acknowledging the childhood pain and seeing beyond the old beliefs. I created this mantra (much later) after addressing my emotions for the overall situation:
I am…Much more that I ever imagined.I am happy.I am free. I am a talented writer.I am a powerful creator.I am blessed.I am grateful.I am loved.
The truth is, I am still learning. I am still healing and this is my continued journey. I am not perfect but I am perfectly flawed. I love my growth. I love me in this moment and in this space. I love every part of me. There are no bad parts, just growth and awareness. Awakening isn’t so much as presenting a perfect person. It’s being true and authentic to you. It’s breaking past limiting beliefs of self doubt, worry or guilt. It’s acknowledging your emotions and saying “I can do this. I still choose love. I still choose me.” For me, it’s being transparent on this journey because my perception of myself in the end is more important than perfection. Covering up pain, or sadness or even joy, is not of service to myself or anyone else who follows this journey. Reclaiming my power and choosing to love is a choice I must make everyday. Some days, I don’t make a choice and allow myself to be more vulnerable than other days. Each lesson, equips me for the next phase. We are evolving and growing. Pain is not meant to break us. It is a lesson. I choose to love through it all knowing that it is meant for my growth and not my destruction.
Peace & Love